Affection-phobe

WAH.
Just so many adoring texts I can't even deal with.
The icing on the cake was last night's one: 'what are you doing? i'm in my beloved bed, even though i have to admit someone is missing :('
WHAT???
Christ.
Seriously, christ.
Am I the only one who realises we met less than a week ago?
I think I prefer not really being sure whether the boy in question even likes me.
Wow, this is what girls are always accused of: sacking off the nice boys. But, in my defence, there's nice, and then there's... this.
I usually go for boys who say things like, 'look babe, my cat ate my phone, and then got lost, so I had to find my cat before I could even look for my phone, and then on my way to find the cat I fell down a well, and hit my head on the way down, so passed out for a couple of weeks, and then by the time I came back around the clocks had changed, so I missed my train home, so I had to walk, and then the heel feel off my shoes, so I had to walk on my hands, and then I got a splinter, so had to pop to the hospital, and you know what A&E's like... So yeah, that's why it's been 3 months since I called you, otherwise you know we'd have been hanging out. You gotta understand.'
I do not usually go for boys that say, 'I thought about you all this morning in your bed while I was at work.'
Oh godddd.
Maybe this is what real people do? Maybe I just need to calm down and go with it?
It's not normal that when I see his name flash up on my screen I sigh (not in ecstasy, more in disbelief because it's only been 5 minutes since his last text...)

And then to top it all off, I'm such a fucking schizophrenic, because as much as I hate him being all over me, I hate it almost as much when he's not.
So he won't have text me all afternoon, and I'll check my phone and feel actually kinda betrayed... And then I'll start rolling my eyes and saying outrageous things like, 'oooooh, so it's like that now, is it? Just not gonna text me? Just forgotten about me already, have we?? So replaceable, am I?!! Now you're at work, you're just so obsessed with working, ARE YOU?! WELL FUCK YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT, I DON'T EVEN CARE!!! WHO EVEN ARE YOU?????!!!!!'
And then, inevitably, he does text me, because he always does, and straightaway I flip to, 'OH MY GOD, STOP TEXTING ME; JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I FEEL SO FUCKING SUFFOCATED!!!'
So nobody can win, I need to see a therapist, and this has gotten out of control. Poor ol' B.F.